


Week by Weak

by ardett



Series: Memento [2]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Arguing, Blankgameplays - Freeform, Developing Friendships, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, I would recommend reading the first part of this series first, Memory Loss, Sleepovers, Talking, Unus Annus, YouTube, Youtuber Egos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:01:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25035859
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: Mark and Ethan work to repair their friendship but someone might have other plans.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Series: Memento [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783306
Comments: 49
Kudos: 175





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to dialogue, oh my god so much dialogue
> 
> I thought this was going to be 2k, I was sorely mistaken so get ready
> 
> beta-ed by [dirade](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dirade/pseuds/Dirade), she also wrote an INSANELY good quarantine related fic which you should certainly check out [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24300835) if you haven't yet!

134:00:00:00

_I won’t be posting anything this week. Don’t worry, everything’s fine, and I’ll be back soon._

-

Mark sends the tweet out before he leaves to pick up Ethan. The other boy had gone home after their talk yesterday. They hadn’t really resolved much, not beyond Ethan’s ultimatum, but Ethan had been so clearly drained. There had been faint tremors in his fingertips and dark circles under his eyes. It had seemed like he was willing to talk but he would say a couple words and then trail off, eyes drifting into the distance and only snapping back when Mark would say something to him. Mark was worried that if he kept pushing, Blank might come back out and take matters into his own hands.

In the end, Mark had sent Ethan home, swearing that he would pick Ethan up the next day. Ethan resisted at first and when Mark insisted, Ethan confessed, _“If I leave, I feel like it… it’ll be the same. Like we’ll just go back to normal and it will be easy for you— for both of us— to pretend this didn’t happen. I don’t want—”_

_“It won’t. I promise. I’ll be there tomorrow. Just go home, get some sleep, and be ready by ten, yeah?”_

Ethan let Mark usher him out after that, one last backwards look to Mark as he had pulled out of the driveway. In the shade of his car, Mark couldn’t tell what color Ethan’s eyes were.

Mark is snapped out of his thoughts as he pulls into Ethan’s driveway. He needs to work on being present, not thinking about the videos they’re not posting or what the future might look like or what the hell Blank even is. He needs to focus on now. He needs to focus on Ethan.

Mark walks up and knocks on the door.

“Hey, it’s me,” he says awkwardly. He shuffles back from the door, fingers tapping on the railing.

He thinks he hears the sound of footsteps coming closer but then they stop. The door doesn’t open.

Mark waits another thirty seconds before asking, “Ethan?” He takes a step towards the door. “Are you… Are you there?”

It’s like the feeling of eyes on the back of his neck. He’s sure someone is on the other side of the door. 

He reaches out to test the handle when the lock clicks. He jerks back but nothing else happens. Ethan doesn’t come out. Mark’s patience has never been particularly great. He only waits a few more seconds before opening the door.

At first, he doesn’t see anyone. Then he hears heavy breathing besides him. He swivels to find Ethan leaning against the wall besides the door. Ethan’s fingertips are white where they’re pressed against the plaster. His eyes are squeezed shut.

“Ethan?” Mark comes closer, putting a hand on Ethan’s shoulder.

Ethan jolts and then blinks up at him. His eyes are clear but the tears welling up from his waterline are ink black. Mark’s heart stops as he realizes Blank must be just below the surface.

Ethan groans and ducks his head back down. “I’m— Blank— He wants to come out. I’m trying— trying to—” Ethan heaves in a breath. Mark feels him shudder. “—trying to stay in control.”

“Why is he here?” Mark asks. His grip on Ethan tightens. It’s the only way he feels like he can add support. It’s the only thing that makes him feel a little less powerless.

“I’m just—” Ethan swallows. When he looks back up, his eyes flicker black. His voice fluctuates from thick with tears to utterly flat. “I’m scared. Scared of what will happen now that you’re here.” When Ethan finishes, his eyes are brown again. His hand settles softly over Mark’s wrist as he stares off somewhere behind Mark.

“Don’t be scared,” Mark tries to console. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Not for a week,” Ethan murmurs. His grip shifts on Mark’s wrist, clenching. Like he just wants to hold on a little tighter. “Because you promised.”

“Not ever,” Mark contradicts. “Because I’m your friend.” He interlocks their fingers instead.

“Okay,” Ethan breathes, though he doesn’t sound certain. It’s good enough for now. Ethan gets his feet beneath him properly and straightens, pushing off the wall. “I’m… I’m ready to go.”

Mark hesitates. “Are you sure? We can take it slow if you need—”

“No, no, I’m good,” Ethan interrupts. There’s still a nervous energy about him and he doesn’t sound completely honest. Mark guesses this is part of it, part of the trust they need to build, and that Ethan feels like if he asks for time to recover, Mark will leave him for the day. He doesn’t want to push Ethan on it though, not yet.

“Alright. Just let me know if you need a break or anything? We don’t have to rush this.”

Ethan nods but just barely under his breath, Mark hears him say, “Don’t we?” It’s not accusatory or angry. It’s sad and desperate and lonely and scared.

Mark chooses not to mention it.

-

Their destination for today is a park. It’s not too busy, partly from the heat and partly from concerns about the virus, but that’s better for them anyways.

They tug their masks on and start to walk, Mark leading.

Mark starts the conversation. “I’ve been taking a lot of walks here with Amy. Kind of funny how even though we work from home, I still feel cooped up with quarantine and everything.”

It’s surprisingly true. He’s never been a terribly social person by his own initiative but the itch under his skin is hard to explain. It’s like constantly living with pins and needles, a feeling that wants so badly to burst out, and that can only be resolved by getting some fresh air and human contact.

“Yeah, I get that. I felt a little… manic, is that the right word?” Ethan twists his fingers together as he gives a short laugh.

Mark’s brow furrows. He doesn’t quite nod but he recalls examples of what Ethan means, when Ethan would go off on loud rants and then immediately deflate afterwards, like his own voice sucked all his energy away. Talking to Ethan in quarantine was a weird mix of Ethan being overly eager to call and talk, and then overly eager to end the call as fast as possible.

“Maybe it was just panic, I don’t know,” Ethan mutters when Mark takes too long to answer. Mark gets the sense that that is closer to the truth. “It’s weird because I remember… not knowing. I remember not remembering things.”

Guilt sweeps up into Mark. How could he have not realized that every time he and Ethan talked, he was just creating more memories for Ethan to lose? Could he have made quarantine easier for Ethan and somehow kept Ethan from forgetting it all?

Mark tries to keep himself composed but he knows Ethan sees the distress on his face, the way the corner of his mouth trembles and the lines around his eyes wrinkle.

“No, it wasn’t bad,” Ethan insists. He jogs forward a couple paces so he’s in front of Mark and facing him as they walk. “I would just not totally remember how long it had been. And what day it was. But it never, like, bothered me or anything.”

“It didn’t bother you because you forgot,” Mark spits. He can’t look Ethan in the eye.

Ethan gazes up at the sky. He bites his lip. “I guess. But that made it a little easier, probably. It was just lonelier. I remember feeling really alone.” He wraps his arms around himself, shoulder drawn up like he’s shivering. The sun blazes overhead. “I kept, um… I kept thinking you didn’t want to talk to me. Because I didn’t remember that we called. And I didn’t want to bother you.”

“You can always bother me, Ethan. You wouldn’t be bothering me,” Mark quickly amends. “I want you to feel like you can come to me. I want to be there to support you and listen to you as your friend. I just… I want you to be honest with me. Let’s just get it out and then I can fix it.”

It makes sense to Mark. Ethan will articulate what bothered him and what Mark did, and then Mark will change his habits. He can be more careful, he can. He can do anything he puts his mind to and right now there’s nothing he wants more than to fix whatever’s broken between them.

His heart sinks as Ethan winces.

Ethan stares at the ground. “I don’t know if it’s something you can just fix.”

“At least give me a chance,” Mark begs.

“I know. I’m trying.” Frustration grabs hold of Ethan’s voice. “It’s just hard to open up. I don’t want to— to hurt your feelings and I don’t want to blame you for things that aren’t your fault. I mean, I didn’t say anything when it was happening. It’s not fair of me to expect you to know when things bothered me.” Ethan’s nails dig into the skin of his forearm.

“Hey, don’t do that,” Mark whispers, drawing Ethan’s hand away from his own skin. Crescents have already bore into Ethan’s arm.

“Sorry,” Ethan blurts.

“You don’t have to apologize. I just don’t want to see you hurting yourself.”

Ethan hums in affirmation. He takes a step back from Mark. His hands fall out of Mark’s grasp. “It’s not really that bad, honestly.” Ethan swallows. “I’ve been… I’ve been thinking a lot about everything. I guess I have a lot more to think about now that I have everything back.” Ethan taps at his skull and smiles, clearly referring to his memories coming back. It’s hard for Mark to muster a smile in return. The smile falls off of Ethan’s face. “Anyways, I just think that maybe we… we interact with friends differently.”

Mark chews at the inside of his cheek. “I don’t know exactly what you mean.”

“Well…” Ethan’s feet drag. “You think we’re friends, right?”

Mark inhales slowly. People walk past them but not many. They’re getting farther off the beaten path now. “We are.”

“Why?” Ethan’s gaze flicks up to Mark, watching for his reaction.

“Why are we friends?” Mark asks. Uncertainty prickles under his skin. He’s not sure what Ethan’s getting at.

“Yeah, like how do you know,” Ethan says. They’ve paused on the trail now. No one’s near them. The breeze rustles through the leaves but it doesn’t do much to dispel the violent heat.

Mark crosses his arm, scuffing his feet in the dirt. He tries to maintain eye contact. “I see you all the time. I like spending time with you. And we work well together, lots of people think so.”

“Is that enough though?” Ethan presses.

Mark runs a hand through his hair. It’s so long now. His fingers catch on knots but he rips through them, ignoring the stinging in his scalp. “I don’t know what you mean,” he growls, frustrated.

“It’s about more than just time. For me, anyway. Besides, most of that time is working.” Ethan’s words are getting more curt but it seems like a side effect of nerves rather than anger. He keeps taking leaves off bushes and shredding them, not even looking down when he’s doing it. “It could be different for you but for me, it’s about being closer emotionally and— don’t take this the wrong way— physically. Just being able to touch you casually, hugs and high fives or whatever. And also know stuff about you, more than what the internet knows. I want to know you as a friend.”

“You don’t think you know me?” Mark asks incredulously. “You told the whole internet that I leave fingernails on my desk! If that’s not knowing, then I don’t know—”

“But we don’t talk about serious stuff, Mark. You always change the subject when I try to ask you about real shit.” Ethan grits his teeth and glares off past Mark’s shoulder.

Mark’s hands start to tighten into fists. Why is Ethan being so… difficult? Can’t he see that Mark is trying? He’s not used to Ethan being so persistent and argumentative. His anger comes over him like a heat flash, red hot.

“Look, at least I don’t need to tell twitter how I go to therapy and how sad I am that I can’t see my girlfriend.” He regrets the words as soon as he says them but he doesn’t get the chance to hold them back.

“Fuck off,” Ethan snarls. He starts to storm away. “I fucking knew this was a bad idea. As if you could even act like you care about me for one second, fuck—”

“Wait, Ethan!” 

Mark grabs Ethan’s arm. Ethan whips around, eyes flicking black.

 _“Don’t play with him,”_ Blank says through Ethan.

Then Ethan’s back, gasping and blinking. He’s a little wild-eyed as he stares at Mark.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean that,” Mark rushes out. _Please stay, please stay,_ he thinks desperately. “I just— it’s hard for me to be open like that. I just… It makes me feel… weak.” The last word tastes bitter in his mouth.

Ethan’s brow furrows. “It makes you feel weak? Do you think I’m weak when I say that kind of stuff?”

“No, no.” And surprisingly, Mark means it. 

It feels different somehow when it’s Ethan, when it’s anyone but himself. He just can’t help but hold himself to a different standard because he knows he could be doing better. He could be doing more. He feels the weight of every shortcoming as his own personal failure.

“Why do you think you feel that way then?” Ethan says evenly and Mark vaguely wonders if his therapist ever asked him the same thing.

Mark is about to say he doesn’t know but he forces himself past the knee jerk response. He chooses his words slowly, carefully. “I think… it might remind me of when I was in college. I was so… I was so unsure of who I was. Who I wanted to be. I didn’t like what I was doing but I didn’t know what else I could do. I hated the person I was.” Mark can feel himself starting to get choked up, his throat closing. “I don’t like to think about that time in my life. So when I feel that way, which is… which is…” It’s often. The thought of every choice he’s made crushes him. Ethan’s right, nothing’s ever good enough for him. Not even himself. “Even when I feel like that, I pretend not to. It’s the only way I can see to keep moving forward.”

“You have to relax at some point. You have to do more than just work.” Ethan starts walking down the path again. His tone is an odd mix of exasperation and admiration. “What you’ve done is incredible, Mark. You’ve achieved so much.”

Mark almost trips over a root as he trots to catch up to Ethan. “What if it’s not enough?” he questions, voice low.

Ethan shrugs. He throws a soft smile back at Mark. “At some point it has to be. That’s the only way you’re ever gonna be happy.”

Mark thinks about that even as their conversation drifts to other matters.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark starts to understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapters are little shorter than they were for the first work, sorry about that! sometimes it do just be like that

Mark thought it would be hard to find things to occupy them with so many places still closed but he’s realizing they don’t need that. They don’t need activities to do. They just need the time and space to talk. And they do.

They talk and talk and talk.

And while the days pass, Mark learns.

-

They’re sitting in Ethan’s living room, takeout strewn over the table, when Mark jokes, “Don’t touch me,” as Ethan reaches across him to grab something.

He sees Ethan freeze and then withdraw his hand. There’s a moment of silence before Ethan grits out, “I hate it when you say that.”

“I’m sorry,” Mark apologizes immediately because it feels like the only thing he can do right this week.

Ethan’s jaw tightens. “I don’t want you to apologize.”

“I’m— uh, okay. What… What do you want then?”

Mark’s confused. They’ve actively discussed this bit before but maybe it didn’t mean the same thing when Ethan didn’t have all his memories. Whatever Ethan had said about it being a good, funny bit between them and that it didn’t bother him, Mark can’t rely on that anymore. It makes Mark nervous though. This is such a standard interaction between them. Will their friendship just be him constantly on eggshells, apologizing over and over, and hurting Ethan anyway?

“I just want you to understand,” Ethan emphasizes. His teeth dig into his lip when he stops talking and he locks his beseeching gaze on Mark.

Mark fidgets, fingers digging into the couch cushions. “I… okay. I’ll stop saying it.”

Ethan shakes his head. “No, no, that’s not— You don’t need to stop saying it.”

Mark consciously pushes down his defensiveness and tries to phrase his words in a kinder way. Tries. “You’re going to have to explain what you mean. Because I have literally no idea what you want then.”

“It’s not that you need to stop saying it completely,” Ethan repeats. He tucks his hands under his knees. Mark wonders if his hands are shaking. “It’s not what you’re saying. I get that it’s a bit, a goof, whatever. It’s that you say it off camera.” Ethan’s mouth twists as he looks down. “Which tells me that it’s not actually a bit or a goof. If you’re saying it off camera, then you actually mean it.”

“I don’t mean it though!” Mark defends because he really doesn’t. He doesn’t even know why he says it. It’s just automatic now. It’s not like they’re not all over each other sometimes. They get plenty of physical contact, don’t they?

Although now that he thinks about it, he can’t quite remember the last time Ethan initiated and he accepted. It’s always one of two things. Either Ethan tries to touch him and Mark rebuffs him, or Mark reaches out first. Ethan never refuses the contact. If anything, he leans into it when Mark gives him the chance, which isn’t often.

“I really don’t mean it,” he whispers to Ethan. He takes Ethan’s hand gently in a loose clasp. Ethan squeezes back.

“I know.” Ethan gives him a faltering smile. “I know that we joke for the camera sometimes and it’s also partly the pandemic. I mean, I’ve barely seen anyone, pretty much just you, Amy, and Mika, so I’m a little needy right now and I don’t mean to be.” Mark is about to protest but Ethan doesn’t let him. “But when it starts to be off camera too, it makes me feel… just, small. And… and not important to you. When you say not to touch you and when you say, um—” Ethan cuts himself off, shaking his head. “Never mind.”

“No, what were you going to say? You can be honest with me. I won’t be angry.” Mark scoots closer. Ethan’s eyes dart to him and then away again.

“We haven’t talked about this at all yet. So I can’t really expect you to know this. I don’t… I don’t want you to feel bad.” Ethan’s other hand rubs at his kneecap, over and over. “I don’t want this whole week to just be me trashing you because— because it hasn’t all been bad and you’ve really given me so much, Mark. You know that, right? It’s just me asking for too much and you can tell me to stop whenever you—”

“I know, Ethan. I know you don’t want to hurt me. Please just relax.” Mark traces over Ethan’s knuckles with his thumb. He searches Ethan’s eyes for a trace of unusual darkness but he doesn’t see anything. It doesn’t settle his nerves. “I want to hear it,” he pleads.

Ethan takes a deep breath, checking for Mark’s reaction one more time, before agreeing. “Okay. Okay, I’ll just… It just bothers me sometimes when you say my channel isn’t worth continuing. I know you don’t make that joke as much anymore but sometimes you still do and,” Ethan’s jaw works. “I don’t think you understand how hard it was working for you and doing my own channel because I was so ecstatic just for the chance to meet you but when I was editing for you, I was also constantly reminded how much less important I was.”

“Your channel isn’t less important—” Mark protests.

“Okay but you don’t act like it,” Ethan bites. Mark winces. It’s hard to argue with that. Ethan continues, “And it was even harder back then because I was even smaller and I looked up to you even more. Imagine someone who you admire and then who is also your boss telling you all the time that you didn’t go to college and your channel is dying.”

There’s not much Mark can say in response. He knows he fucked up and he knows he’s changed but not enough. He’s still not always sure when he’s gone too far. He’s still learning how to build himself up and bring others up with him instead of tearing them down.

He settles on, “I know you told me not to apologize but I feel like now would be a good time to apologize.”

Ethan barks out a laugh. “Yeah, probably.”

He meets Ethan’s gaze and holds eye contact. “I’m sorry, Ethan. I’m sorry I wasn’t a good boss or mentor back then. I wasn’t even a good friend. But I still believe in our friendship and everything it can be. I hope you can forgive me.”

Ethan leans his head on Mark’s shoulder. He goes slow, giving Mark plenty of time to move away. He doesn’t. Ethan sighs as he rests against Mark.

“I forgive you. And I’m sorry too.” Ethan draws meaningless shapes on Mark’s palm with his finger. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you it bothered me when it happened. I know you always did the best you could.” 

They sit in soft silence for a moment before Mark’s stomach rumbles. Ethan bursts into laughter. Mark follows suit behind him.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry. I totally ruined the moment,” Mark gasps between his laughs.

“No, it’s definitely time to eat,” Ethan giggles, grabbing the take out.

They share stories over their meal. It’s a good memory, one that Mark knows Ethan will be able to hold onto.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Ethan have a sleepover.

It’s funny how easy it is for Mark to tune out all the internet voices asking where he is. It’s almost freeing, in a way. Maybe he should have done this sooner.

Sure, part of him misses the creative energy and there’s something invigorating about the video grind, but when was the last time he took a break? He knows there’s no way he and Ethan could have gotten this close if he was still thinking about daily videos.

He almost forgot what it’s like to just be, to just breathe.

-

They’re into the second half of the week when Mark asks, “Hey, do you want to sleep over?”

They’ve spent so much time together that Mark would have thought that they would both be sick of each other. Instead, he’s been surprised to find that he’s been missing Ethan each night when they part ways. He feels like they’re making so much progress and he doesn’t want to let go of that.

Ethan glances up at him. “Yeah? You sure?”

“Course. I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to.”

“Okay, yeah, I would love to.” Ethan’s face lights up. “I’ll grab some stuff from my house and stop by around, I don’t know, nine?”

It hits Mark how easy it is to make Ethan feel appreciated and wanted and happy. He could have been doing this for years. “Yeah, that’s good.”

“I’ll see you soon!” Ethan waves as he steps out to his car. Mark waves back, smiling as he watches Ethan drive away. 

He’s going to make sure this is a good night. He has plans.

-

The night is going well. Incredibly well even.

They set up sleeping bags and pillows in the living room, along with a couple snacks. After s’mores, they spent most of the night watching a movie with Amy, eating popcorn and making fun of the poor decision making skills of characters. Amy had gone to bed in their room a little bit ago, so now it’s just Ethan and Mark laying on the ground, still half out of their sleeping bags.

The lights are dimmed. Mark had put some logs in their fireplace and it’s all just coal and embers now, giving off a fiery glow. The moon is almost full tonight and it’s reflected light streams in through the windows, painting white squares on the ground.

They’ve been chatting for a while. It feels like old times, easy banter and casual conversation. It reminds Mark why they’re friends in the first place. They’re both passionate people, just in different ways. Mark’s passion for his job manifests as almost unmanageable ambition, while Ethan’s is steadier. It’s a clear drive and hard work and the willingness to keep at something until it clicks.

“This is really nice,” Ethan voices. He’s on his back, hands raised above himself and playing with the patterns of moonlight and shadow. “This has been a really good week. And this, talking and whatever, feels easy. I feel like it hasn’t been easy and fun between us for a while.”

“I know.” Mark rotates on his side, arm propping up his head as he faces Ethan. “I kind of miss this. This feels better than it did before now. Looking back on it, I can see how you were different but I really didn’t know how much of you wasn’t there. You weren’t a complete person, if that makes sense.”

It’s difficult for Mark to articulate. If he had to compare it to something, he might say it’s like making videos. Even being as honest and vulnerable as possible, it’s impossible to fully understand what a person is really like without seeing them face to face. There’s always just a tiny piece missing, whether it’s immediately apparent or not. Once you see it, everything fits together.

That’s what being with Ethan is like now. There was something missing and now he can see the real person Ethan is.

“No, yeah, that makes sense,” Ethan answers.

Ethan gives a slow blink. When he opens his eyes again, they’re dark, all the whites turned to black. Ethan doesn’t panic though. His fingers keep tracing the moonlight. On the next blink, Ethan’s back to normal.

For the first time seeing Blank, Mark’s breath doesn’t catch in his chest. The transition was gentle and Ethan still sounded like himself, his body still seemed to be in his control. The moment was almost… calm. Peaceful. Like a parent looking into their kid’s room before going to bed.

“Is Blank here?” Mark murmurs.

Ethan hums. “Yeah, I think so. He was just checking in.”

Mark tilts his head. He can hear the crickets chirping outside. “Can you… hear him? Does he talk to you?”

Mark can’t imagine what it would be like to have another entity sharing his body. They still don’t know what Blank is. Mark can only be thankful that it seems like Blank’s intentions are good. He just wants to protect Ethan and Mark can respect that. Still though, the unknown worries him.

Ethan shrugs. He lowers his hand. “It’s all still kind of new to me. Whenever I noticed him, which wasn’t very often anyway, he would make me forget. It was just to keep me from worrying about it, not malicious or anything.”

“I know. I don’t think he was ever trying to hurt you,” Mark murmurs.

Ethan nods. He starts picking at the sheet underneath him. “No, I don’t think so either. Just a little overprotective sometimes. But, um, about your question,” Ethan wavers a bit on his words before explaining, “It’s not so much talking. It’s not words. It’s more like a feeling. Or maybe not even that.” Ethan flips on his side, tilting his body towards Mark. “I don’t think he feels the same way we do. Like, with regular emotions. He doesn’t feel sad or happy or upset. But I can feel when he’s closer. Sometimes he’s just watching, like now. Other times he’s more… obvious.”

Mark edges their hands together. Ethan’s knuckles bump against his.

“What does it feel like? When he takes over?”

Ethan threads his fingers between Mark’s, presses their palms to each other. He fiddles with Mark’s hand for a minute, not answering. Mark doesn’t push him. The silence settles over them like a blanket.

Eventually Ethan answers, “It’s like… I’m being pushed backwards but there’s nowhere to go. Just emptiness. Just darkness.” Ethan’s brow furrows. His hand tightens on Mark’s. “And I’m trying to stay where I am but I can’t. Like when I got caught in the riptide when I was kid. It was just the current pulling me further under and it just gets darker and darker until I can’t even see where I came from. I—” Ethan puts a hand over his mouth. His eyes shine with unshed tears.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay. Come here.” Mark pulls Ethan towards him, tucking him into a hug. Ethan shivers against him. “Shh, it’s okay,” Mark soothes as he pets Ethan’s hair.

Ethan takes a few shuddering breaths before they begin to even out again. He ducks into Mark’s chest, hands clenched in the fabric of his shirt. He doesn’t move as he whispers, “It doesn’t hurt or anything. I don’t think he means to scare me. It’s just the being out of control that’s hard to— to handle. I can’t stop him if he really wants to come out. If he decided forgetting this would be best for me, I wouldn’t even know what I was missing. I don’t— I don’t want to forget anymore, Mark. I want to remember this.”

Mark moves to stroking Ethan’s back, up and down his spine. He keeps murmuring reassurances. It hurts to hear how afraid Ethan is but it also shows how far they’ve come. Mark doesn’t want Ethan to forget either, not anymore. They feel more like equals, more like friends, than ever before. Mark doesn’t want to lose that feeling now that they’ve finally found it.

“He’s listening,” Ethan breathes. “He… I think he’s trying to say sorry.” He lets out a sigh and Mark watches a shadow race across his eyes. Ethan’s gaze goes distant, like he’s not looking out anymore but rather looking in. “It’s okay,” Ethan mouths almost inaudibly. It’s clear he’s talking to Blank. “I understand.” He blinks and focuses back on Mark.

“Is he still here?” Mark rubs his thumb over Ethan’s arm.

“A little bit. Not as close,” Ethan says, voice soft.

Mark tries to keep his motions controlled and repetitive. “What happens if you don’t need him anymore? Where will he go?”

Ethan frowns.“I don’t know. I think he just… goes in.”

A thought occurs to Mark as he thinks about that void, that darkness, that emptiness. He voices it before he thinks better. “Do you think he gets lonely?”

Ethan worries at the collar of Mark’s shirt. “I don’t think so. I don’t think he feels emotions like that. It’s like… he says it’s like going to sleep. And he says…” Ethan blinks, looking confused. “What?” he says. His voice is slightly louder than it has been.

“What?” Mark repeats, startled.

“No, not you. He’s trying to tell me something. What are you saying?” Ethan’s eyes flick back and forth like he’s trying to process something. Concern burgeons in Mark’s chest, spiney and thorned.

“Ethan?”

Ethan holds a hand up. “Shh, I’m trying to listen.”

Mark thumbs under Ethan’s eyes. Ethan flinches away. Mark’s finger is stained black. “Ethan, you’re crying.”

“Oh.” The tears are starting to stream down his cheeks. Ethan wipes at them with the back of his hand but they don’t stop. “I don’t know why.” Mark hands him a tissue and Ethan sniffles as he takes it. His tears bleed black into the thin paper. “He was trying to tell me something,” Ethan mutters as he dries his face. “Something— something like… I don’t have to worry about him.”

“Because he won’t be lonely?” Mark questions.

“No.” Ethan looks up at him, eyes rimmed in kohl. “Because he can’t leave yet. He’s still trying to protect me from someone.”

Mark feels like he’s been punched in the gut. Like all the air was sucked from his lungs. 

Blank still doesn’t trust him. Blank still needs to protect Ethan from him. Of course a few days wouldn’t change years of mistreatment and hurt. How could Mark think otherwise?

“Ethan—”

Ethan pulls away from him, getting into his own sleeping bag. “I have a headache. Let’s go to bed.” He lays down on his side, facing away from Mark.

Mark swallows down the lump in his throat. “Okay. Goodnight.” If his voice sounds choked up, neither of them mention it.

Mark flicks off the lights and gets into his own sleeping bag. He can’t get to sleep. He stays awake, staring at the ceiling and thinking of all the things he can’t change.

About fifteen minutes have passed when he hears rustling from besides him and then Ethan whispers, “Mark?”

“Mm?” Mark hums back. The moment feels fragile. He doesn’t want to ruin it by speaking.

“I trust you. Even if Blank doesn’t.” Ethan turns towards him. “You’re my friend,” he says simply.

Ethan holds his hand out and Mark takes it carefully. Ethan’s eyes drift closed again. They fall asleep like that, hands gently intertwined. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter...


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's someone else here.

The morning is quiet but content. Mark gets up early and tries not to wake Ethan. By the time he gets out of the shower after his workout, Ethan is nursing a cup of coffee.

“Good morning,” Ethan greets.

“Morning. How’d you sleep?” Mark grabs his own mug from the cabinet and pours himself a cup.

“Pretty good.” Ethan rubs the heel of his hand against his forehead. “I still have this weird headache though.”

“Migraine?”

Ethan shakes his head. “I don’t think so.” His voice drops to a whisper, like he’s telling Mark a secret. “I think it’s because Blank is so close. He won’t leave for some reason.”

Mark huffs and looks down at his coffee. He’s not angry with Blank. He’s angry with himself. “I think the reason’s pretty obvious.”

“I… I don’t know…” Ethan wavers. “He doesn’t seem worried about you. But you… you were in my dream last night.”

Mark takes a sip of coffee, trying to look casual and relaxed. It scalds down his throat. “Yeah? What did I do?” he rasps.

“I can’t really remember.” Ethan’s really pressing into his skull now. His face twists as the headache worsens. “You were… you were asking me about something? For something? And I remember…” Ethan’s gaze darts to Mark and then jumps away. His other hand tightens on his mug. “I remember being scared. Not like embarrassed or sad or something like that. Legitimately scared.”

The heat of the mug is burning at Mark’s fingertips. He ignores the pain. He doesn’t let go. “Scared of me?”

“I— I guess.” Ethan takes a gulp of coffee. It takes him a long time to swallow. “Whatever, it was just a stupid dream. It probably doesn’t mean anything.”

“We don’t know that,” Mark intones, staring at the table. He doesn’t want to say it but he has to. He can’t keep being the reason for Ethan’s pain. “Maybe this wasn’t a good idea. You’re getting headaches again. You were crying last night. You’re fucking  _ scared  _ of me, Ethan. Maybe you should go home, at least take a break from me for a day—”

Mark jolts as Ethan almost shouts, “No, no, I don’t want to do that! We only have a week and then— and then we’re going back to normal again.”

“Ethan—” Mark tries to protest.

Ethan speaks over him. “This might be the only time I get to have you as a friend and I don’t— I don’t— Please don’t make me go home. Please don’t make me go.” Ethan sniffles, eyes watery.

Mark pulls Ethan into a hug. Ethan sobs into his shirt, whatever barriers that were up clearly stripped down. “You don’t have to go. I’m never going to kick you out,” Mark swears.

Ethan’s hyperventilating, chest heaving and hands trembling. “Mark, Mark—”

Mark doesn’t know what to do. He has to do something to help, anything, as Ethan tips into a full panic attack. His pupils have shrunken to pinpricks. He can’t seem to focus on Mark’s face. He’s crying pitch black tears.

“Breath with me. Try to breathe with me. Ethan.” Mark places Ethan’s hand at his sternum. His voice shakes as he orders, “Listen to me. Try to breathe with me, okay?”

“I don’t know why Blank wants me to leave so badly,” Ethan gasps. It’s hard to make out his words when his breathing is nowhere close to even. Ethan looks distraught, devastated, and like he needs Mark to hear him. “He doesn’t think I can stay here. He doesn’t think I’m safe,” Ethan rushes. “Something I can’t know, why won’t he tell me? He said he would let me remember, he— he said— I don’t want to leave, Blank, I trust him.” Ethan whines in pain. His fingers tangle in his hair and pull. He’s not talking to Mark anymore. “Something you wouldn’t let me remember? Why? You said— Too dangerous? Why? What makes it more dangerous? Why would you lie—” Ethan’s eyes go wide. Mark holds his breath as Ethan looks directly at him. He hears Ethan as if through water. “Something Mark doesn’t remember either?”

Whatever strength Ethan was holding onto collapses. Ethan curls in on himself, clutching his head and whimpering. His exhales shake with his agony.

Mark’s head spins. What is Blank saying? That there are memories so dangerous that he still hasn’t shared them with Ethan? And that Mark doesn’t even remember what they are? How could that be? Mark knows he could have never hurt Ethan that badly. He would never hurt Ethan to the point of no return. He would remember. He would have to remember.

He can’t think about what the other possibilities might be. That he did forget something important. That there was a reason he forgot. That there are no coincidences.

He can’t think like that right now. He just can’t.

“We’re going to figure this out,” Mark lies through his teeth. He kneels down next to Ethan, keeping at hand on his back. He has no idea what they’re going to do. He has no idea who he is anymore, much less how to help Ethan.

“I don’t want to lose you again, Mark,” Ethan cries.

“You won’t. We can figure this out together.”

Suddenly, Ethan straightens. His head turns slowly towards Mark. As soon as Mark felt Ethan go rigid until his hand, he knew what was happening. It doesn’t stop his sharp intake of breath as Blank’s inky eyes meet his own.

_ “No, you won’t.”  _ Blank’s expression is empty.  _ “You’re too dangerous.” _

“What do I have to do to be better?” Mark pleads. This feels different than the first time he talked with Blank, when Blank was accusing him of being a bad friend. This feels more serious. This is more than hurt feelings. Blank is talking about this like it’s life threatening. Mark couldn’t live with himself if that’s the case. How could he forget something like that? “I don’t want to hurt him—”

_ “The more time he spends with you, the more risk there is. The greater the opportunity for you to take advantage of him.”  _ Blank stands.  _ “It’s out of your control.” _

“What does that mean?” Mark asks desperately but Blank isn’t listening. He’s leaving.

Anger washes over Mark like a tidal wave. How dare Blank walk away from him. Who is Blank to make that decision for Ethan? Who is Blank to try and speak for Mark? Blank doesn’t know who he is. Blank doesn’t know what he’s capable of. 

Mark’s vision flashes red. His hand shoots out and grabs Ethan’s wrist. **“Don’t walk away from me,”** he growls.

-

Mark wakes up with blood under his fingernails. 

Ethan is gone.

Mark doesn’t remember how he got into his bed. He doesn’t remember Ethan leaving. Mark doesn’t remember what Blank said after they started arguing. He doesn’t remember what he did. 

He doesn’t remember anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now things get serious :)
> 
> Might be a little longer until I'm able to post the next work in this series (which will also be the final fic) but hopefully not too long!


	5. Chapter 5

00:00:00:00


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